


Now and Then

by Thatswherethelightgetsin



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Complete, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-07
Updated: 2013-07-07
Packaged: 2017-12-18 01:02:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/873915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatswherethelightgetsin/pseuds/Thatswherethelightgetsin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Dean is faced with a terrible choice and remembers the events that led him there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now and Then

**Now**

Dean was running. His lungs felt like they were on fire and he couldn't really feel his legs anymore but he kept running. Running felt good; it made the terror rising in his chest seem less real. 

**Then**

The sunlight was struggling to make its way through the blinds. Dean picked the pan off the stove and had just finished scraping the eggs onto two plates when Cas wandered into the kitchen. 

"Morning, sunshine," Dean grinned over at him. 

"Good morning, Dean." Cas rubbed his eyes as he sat down in front of one of the plates. 

"You didn't sleep so good last night," Dean said slowly, watching as Cas eyed the food in front of him but made no move to start eating. 

Cas shrugged, seeming to try and shake himself. "Just nightmares." 

Dean sat down and picked up a fork, but paused to watch Cas still not eat. "Sounded pretty bad. You wanna talk about it?" 

Cas shrugged again. "It helped that you were there."

Dean couldn't help the grin that crept across his face. He ducked his head, feeling vaguely ridiculous both for how pleased he felt and his inability to hide it. "Yeah, well, good thing I was; the neighbours would start complaining if you made that kind of racket for too long."

Cas' hand was warm on his. Dean looked at it for a moment before looking up and meeting Cas' eyes. "I mean it," Cas said, running his thumb gently over the back of Dean's hand. 

Dean leant over and pressed a kiss to Cas' forehead, savouring the way Cas leant into it. "Come on, eat up; Sam'll be here soon."

Cas smiled before he started to eat. They ate in comfortable silence for awhile before Cas said, "I was thinking of getting a few more classes over at St Bart's." 

Dean raised his eyebrows. "Really?" 

Cas nodded. "We could use the money, and I find teaching soothing."

Dean couldn't really disagree that they needed the money: credit card scams didn't really cover the rent and Dean had already asked around for more shifts at the garage. He felt a bit stupid for being sentimental about their tiny flat. It was kind of dingy and the windows didn't all open. But, it was the first place he and Cas had rented together when they decided on Campsellvile and he loved it. He loved their room and the TV Cas had bought him for Christmas and the fact they could sit at the table in the kitchen and eat together. He loved it even though the shower ran cold after about two minutes and the door to the bedroom squeaked no matter how many times he oiled it. He didn't want to move. 

"Yeah, okay, when we get back from this hunt, see what you can find." He picked up his and Cas' plate and took them over the sink. "Just stay away from Terrence."

He could practically feel Cas roll his eyes. "Dean," he said, "I don't know why you insist that Terry has romantic intensions towards me. I may not be as fully aware of human flirtation techniques as you, but I'm quite certain that he has no sexual desire for me."

Dean rinsed the plates. "Say what you want, man, but no one likes bible studies enough to sit in every one of your lectures when he's got his own classes to be teaching."

"He's interested in my perspective." Cas is suddenly behind him, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist and Dean leans back instinctively. "Besides," Cas pressed a kiss to Dean's neck, "I have no interest in him."

Dean wanted to tell Cas that that's not the point. He felt the almost desperate need to protect him rise in chest that had been there since Purgatory. He wanted to explain to Cas that he doesn't understand humans yet, for all that he's been one for four years. He wanted to tell him how manipulative they can be when they want something. 

Instead, he twisted around and kissed him, pulled him close so they didn't have to speak at all. Cas pressed to him easily, hands running up his back and tangling in his chair. 

"Would you like to join me in the shower?" Cas' voice is rough and his breath ghosts across Dean's lips. 

A loud knock on the front door killed the, "hell yes", on his lips. He sighed heavily. "Damn that little brother of mine."

Cas smiled and pulled back. Dean turned back to finish the dishes and Cas opened the door to let Sam in before heading to the bathroom. 

"Morning, Dean," Sam said, depositing three coffees on the table as he came into the kitchen. 

"Sammy!" Dean grinned. "So, tell me about this demon that's got your panties in a twist." 

 

 **Now**

He rounded another corner and finally, finally, the door was in front of him. He barely broke his stride as he hurled himself against it. He bounced back the first couple of times he slammed his shoulder into it before it gave way under his weight. He stumbled on through the doorway, dimly taking in the disused warehouse and the shafts of dirty light coming from the few remaining overheads that worked. It gave the whole place a sick, yellow hue. Like it was dying. 

Dean kept running. 

**Then**

Dean doesn't really like to remember how he found Cas after he fell. Three months. It was three months since he'd stopped Sam finishing the trails. He'd concentrated on getting Sam better. On fussing over him, making him eat, making him sleep, even though he bitched about it constantly. But Dean couldn't seem to stop. Every time he tried, he remembered the look on Sam's face, his confused, "So?" when Dean told him what would happen if he finished the last trial. It made Dean's heart race and his chest tight. They'd waited for a few days for some sign of impending doom but there was nothing. So, he cooked and he cleaned up after Sam and he tried not to think about the fire in the sky. 

Garth and Kevin were looking into it. Dean would wait until they came and gave him something to kill. Until then there was getting Sam better. And not thinking about Cas. 

There was a gnawing in his gut when he did think about it. Dean knew what the fire show that night had meant: that Naomi was right and Cas had been used. Again. 

At night, when Sam was asleep and the bunker was silent, he remembered what Cas had said about why he couldn't go back to heaven. And he knew, some awful, terrible part of him knew, that Castiel wouldn't be able to survive this. His hands shook slightly when he picked up the books that Sam had left around the library. He ignored it. 

Three months of ignoring it later he found him. Dean was taking out the trash of all things, lifting the lid of the can when he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. 

His gun was in his hand in a moment and he crept forward, squinting at the thing a few meters away from the door, half hidden in the shrubs. It was the trench coat that he recognised first, of course. That God damn, stupid trench coat was burnt into his mind's eye. He'd know it anywhere; in any condition. Which was just as well, as it was completely covered in mud and, Dean's stomach lurched horribly, blood. 

He shoved his gun back into his jeans and hurried forward to crouch down, his hand hovering over the prone form. "Cas?" he said gently, then again, forcing his voice to a normal level, "Cas." 

Nothing. Dean hated that he hesitated to reach out. To check if he was alive. His hand touched gently on Cas' arm as he rolled him over. 

Cas' face was basically one big bruise and he was bleeding from his nose and a nasty cut above his eye. But, and Dean let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding, his eyes fluttered open. 

"Dean," he breathed, and there was a ghost of smile on his lips, "Dean, you found me." Then his eyes rolled back and he was gone. 

Dean swallowed heavily and ran a hand through his hair feeling shaken for reasons he couldn't fully explain. As gently as he could, he lifted Cas into his arms and carried him inside. 

"Dean what-" Sam's question died on lips when he looked up at Dean coming into the kitchen. He jumped up from the table and followed Dean down the corridor. 

They'd found the bunker's hospital wing a couple of weeks after they'd moved in. Dean wasn't surprised at the time and was beyond relieved about now. He laid Cas down on the bed and stood back. He'd never seen him like this before, even without his powers and beat up, Cas had seemed solid and strong. Now he looked small and broken. And Dean couldn't move. Couldn't think what to do. 

But, then Sam was there, tugging Castiel's coat off and checking him over. Dean followed Sam's requests automatically: helped remove Cas' shoes and pants. He helped as Sam cleaned Cas' cuts and checked for broken bones. 

Cas woke up when Sam tried to check his shoulder. He struggled, trying to push him off, his eyes wide and scared. 

Dean grabbed his hand and ran his own over his uninjured arm. "It's okay, Cas, it's just Sam. He's helping you. We're helping you. We got you." 

Cas turned to look at him and stopped struggling. He was only conscious for a moment before he slumped against the sheets again. Dean ignored the stare Sam gave him.

What seemed like hours later Sam left Dean alone with Cas. He hadn't woken-up. Sam thought he was just exhausted and maybe a bit concussed from a knock to the head. That he'd be fine. 

For some reason he repeated it as he left. "Dean," he fixed him with a stare and small smile, "he'll be fine." 

It was only then that Dean realised that he'd never let go of Cas' hand.

 **Now**

"Ah, Dean, thank you for joining us," the voice is high and cold. The mock pleasure in it made Dean's blood run cold. 

He slid to a halt, panting and looking around wildly. Belatedly he realised that he had no plan. No back up. He checked his weapons: gun, two knives, dead man's blood. 

Something opened up like a gaping hole in his chest as he looked at the scene. Sam and Cas are strung up from the ceiling. Both look beat-up and standing between Dean and them are eight vampires. 

"Dean!" Sam's voice is panicked and he struggled against the bonds, "It's a trap, you have to get out of here."

A vampire standing behind him, reached out and grabbed the back of Sam's hair and snapped his head back. Sam grunted in pain and struggled in his grip. He smiled around Sam at Dean. 

Dean knew him. For a moment everything swam before him and he thought he might throw up. He forced it down; he balled his hands into tight fists using the feeling of it to clam himself down. "You," he snarled. 

"I'm delighted that you remember me." The vampire tugged at Sam's hair again before letting go. "I was beginning to think you weren't going to come and play and after everything I've done to track you down, too. " 

Dean tried to steady his breathing, his mind racing through dozens of scenarios, none of which panned out well in his head. "Cas, you okay?" he said in the end. 

"I'm fine," Cas said levelly. His voice was think and Dean noticed how pale he looked and the awkward angle his arm was twisted in the chains. 

"Yes, he is," the lead vampire purred. Dean couldn't remember his name, if he ever knew it. He and Sam crossed paths with his nest years back. He was big, bigger than Benny even, and had a nasty scar running down his neck that disappeared below his shirt. He smiled at Dean, showing all his teeth. "In fact he's quite lovely, isn't he?" He ran a hand down Cas' face and Dean felt his face flush in fury. 

"What the hell is all of this about?" he snapped. 

A look of absolute fury crossed the vampire's face. He reached out and yanked hard at the chain holding Cas arm. Cas tried unsuccessfully to stifle a scream. Dean moved forward, unthinking, needing to get to Cas. 

Strong hands gripped his arms painfully as two of the vampires either side of him grabbed hold of him. Dean struggled, getting a good elbow into the nose of one of them, making him stagger away. 

"Enough," the lead vampire's voice cut through everything. Dean looked over and stopped immediately. He had a knife to Cas' throat. "You took something from me, Dean." 

He remembered a pretty blond vampire. She'd been a bitch to kill. She'd stayed behind to fight while the others had run. 

Dean realised too late what this whole thing was. 

"So I'm going to take something from you. But, I'm going to let you choose, Dean Winchester." The vampire stepped back from Cas so he could reach out and touch a hand to both Sam and Cas. "Your brother or your lover."

 

**Then**

"Do you like it?" Dean rubbed the back of his neck, feeling raw and exposed. He didn't want to look up at Cas, although he could feel him staring at him. 

"Dean." Cas can say his name like it's a complete sentence. It made Dean's stomach flip but he didn't look up. "Dean, you've moved my things into your room." 

Dean swallowed, looked up and found he couldn't quite meet his eye. "Well, I figured, it was a waste of time you sneaking back to your room every morning. Easier if you have everything here." 

It occurred to him that he probably should have asked. But he hadn't been able to find the words. He didn't know how to voice how much he hated that Cas left every morning and the uncertainty that he was coming back that night. It had been months and Cas hadn't spent a night away from him, but Dean didn't want to take the chance. 

He'd been thinking of his room as "their" room for a month at least anyway. But, maybe Cas didn't feel the same. He'd thought idly that maybe Cas wouldn't really understand the significance. That if Dean didn't explain, they wouldn't have to have the conversation at all. Which was utterly ridiculous.

Cas didn't speak. Instead, he walked to the dresser and picked up a photo leaning against the mirror. Sam had given it to Dean, it was one that Garth had taken it at the end of their latest hunt. In it, Dean was stood outside the bunker, arms around Cas and Sam, grinning. Cas hadn't quite got the hang of posing and his head was cocked to the side as he watched Garth take the picture. Sam was laughing. Cas gently placed the picture back on the dresser. 

He ran his hand over the few items he'd acquired over the last year; touched his clothes in the open draw. 

Dean swallowed and was about to dismiss the whole thing, when Cas turned to him. The look on his face took Dean's breath away. It was a mix of amazement, joy and disbelief. "Thank you, Dean." 

Something clenched almost painfully in Dean's chest and he stepped forward and pulled Cas into a tight hug. Cas' arms wrapped around him tightly. 

"I love you," he whispered into Cas hair. He hadn't even mean to say it. He'd bitten back the word what felt like a hundred times. 

Cas smiled up at him. "And I love you, Dean Winchester." 

They didn't leave the room for the rest of the day. 

**Now**

"What?" Dean felt like the ground was shifting under his feet. He blinked hoping to stir himself into action. But there was a ringing in his ears and something is screaming in the back of his mind. 

"It's quite simple," the vampire smiled again, "you get to choose who lives."

"No," he said, his voice his thick and it was a struggle to get the word out. 

"No?" the vampire repeated, his eyebrows rose in mock surprise. "Now, I'm afraid that's against the rules. You choose," he held the knife loosely in his hand, "or they both die." 

Dean opened his mouth to say something and closed it again. He was completely out numbered, Sam and Cas were bound tight and there was no way Dean could take out nine vampires on his very best day and certainly not before Sam and Cas were both dead. 

The vampire must see it in his face. The moment when Dean realised that he'd lost. He smiled again and it was the most awful thing Dean had ever seen. 

**Then**

At some point during the night that Dean watched Castiel sleep the first night after he found him, he got angry. By the time the sun had crept through the windows high on the wall above them he was downright furious. He wasn't entirely sure why but his hands balled into tight fists, his nails digging painfully into his palms. 

When Cas finally opened his eyes relief flooded him. But for some reason that just made him more angry. So instead of all of the things he could say, Dean ground out, "What the hell did you do this time?" 

Cas swallowed but held his gaze. 

When he didn't answer, Dean snapped, "Well?"

Cas actually flinched, and Dean was dimly aware that he'd never seen him do that before. "Naomi was correct. Metatron was lying to me. He meant to punish heaven. He took my grace and used it to banish them all, just like Satan. They all fell. And I am human." 

Dean jumped to his feet. The chair crashed to the floor but he didn't really hear it. He started forward, fists tightly clenched. Cas seemed to brace for a blow but Dean was already walking passed him and out of the door. 

The next day Sam tried to talk to him. "Dean," his voice was soft, "Cas has been through a lot. You should talk to him." 

Dean's jaw clenched painfully. "No," he gripped the gun he was cleaning tightly, and his knuckles turned white.

"He might know something that can help us." 

Dean was kind of impressed that Sam had already changed his tack. He looked up at him, his eyebrows raised. "Then you talk to him."

Sam folded his arms over his chest. "He's more likely to talk to you."

And just like that Dean was furious again. "Well, tough shit, Sam, because I am done with him. He is not my responsibility. I'm through cleaning up his messes." 

"He made a mistake, Dean." 

He didn't realise he was going to throw clip in his hand until it smashed a vase on the other side of the room. "Well, what's new, Sam? That's pretty much all he does!"

It was silent apart from the ringing in his ears. Then Sam said gently, "What's up with you, Dean? Because I saw the way you looked at him yesterday when you brought him in and now you're so worked up you're smashing the place up."

Dean hated the way that Sam could cut right through everything like that. He shrugged angrily. "Nothing's up with me. We're just not a home for every useless fuck up that crosses our path. It's bad enough that you insisted that we keep the weepy ex-demon king, I'm not looking after anyone else. It's hard enough keeping you alive." 

Sam looked stung, which was exactly what Dean had intended, but he still felt a pang of guilt. He covered it by picking up the gun and starting to clean it again. 

"You don't have to talk to me about how you feel about him," Sam said instead of the things Dean expected him to. "But, you will have to speak to him."

Dean kept himself hunched over as Sam left. It was only when he heard him going into the library that he slumped back into his chair. 

**Now**

"Tick tock, Dean," the vampire grinned. It was a smile that Dean knew well; one of someone with nothing left to lose. He'd smiled like that before, when he thought Sam was dead or that Cas wasn't coming back this time. "I won't stand here all day, things to do. Now, will it be, little brother," the vampire moved to Sam, and placed the knife against his throat. Sam hissed as blood bloomed red against the blade. 

Dean stepped forward, but the vampire stepped away from Sam and went to Cas. "Or, you could choose the ex-angel here. He's pretty, and fought like hell when we took him. I have to say, I was kind of impressed." Cas didn't react and the vampire leaned in to whisper in his ear. "Did you think he was going to come and save you, hmmm?"

"Look," Dean said, aware of how unsteady his voice sounded. "You don't have to do this, okay? You can walk away. No one's coming to look for you, alright? Just walk away."

There was another flash of rage in the vampires eyes. "And go where, Dean? Go where? You took my home from me. My family." His hand tightened on the back of Cas' neck. "There's nothing for me out there. We were together for 200 hundred years. You can't possibly-" His hand on Cas' neck had begun to squeeze and Cas tried to wriggle out of his grip but there was nowhere to go. 

"Hey," Dean said, putting out his hand in what he hoped was a placating gesture. "Look, I get it, okay? I did something real bad to you. I get it. So, this is about me. Not about them. Why not let them go and you can take me instead. I won't fight you."

The vampire let Cas go. "That's not how this is going to work, Dean. I am going to show you how it feels. How I feel all the time." The vampire straightens his shoulders. "Now who is it you want to walk out of here with you?" 

Dean didn't know what to say. His mind was flitting around a hundred plans but none of them ended with them all walking out of the warehouse. He was frozen, terror rising in his chest as he realised that he wasn't going to be able to save them. 

The vampire's patience was obviously wearing thin. He growled low in his throat. "Fine," he spat, "kill them both." 

The other vampires surged forward and both Sam and Cas braced to fight. "No!" Dean's voice shook. "No, wait, just let me think." 

But he couldn't, he couldn't even look at them. He'd known, really, he'd always known that it would come to this. That he'd be the reason they'd died.

**Then**

"Dean!" 

Cas' panicked shout, made him look up just in time see that the demon had a gun and was pointing it right at him. He turned to dive out of the way, but he wasn't fast enough. The bullet felt like a God damn freight train as it hit him in the shoulder. He was down on the ground struggling to get his breath back in an instant. He was scrambling to get back to his feet when he saw Cas stalking toward the demon. 

For a moment it was like before Cas lost his powers; the look that came over his face was not entirely human. Apparently the demon thought the same because it took him a moment to react, and then it wAs too late. Cas' fist connected with his face, and Dean could see his nose break. Cas followed up with kick that took out one of his knees. 

Then Sam was there, chanting and the black smoke filled the graveyard before there was complete silence. 

"Dean," Cas was suddenly by his side, his blue eyes searching his. 

For a moment he couldn't speak at all. "Dude that was-"

Cas kissed him roughly, cutting off the words. 

Later that night Cas ran his hands over Dean's body as though trying to learn every part of it. He let him, feeling goose bumps rise in the wake of Cas' fingers. He felt woozy from the painkillers and the patterns Cas traced on his skin seemed to be sending him into a happy trance. 

It was really nice until he caught a glimpse of the look on Cas' face. He looked almost desperate as he ran his hands up Dean's arms. He grabbed Cas' fingers tightly stilling their progress. "Hey," he said, softly, "hey, I'm okay."

"You are mortal, Dean," Cas said simply. "You will die. And so will I."

He brought Cas' fingers to his lips and kissed them softly. "Yeah, that's the part of the package for humans."

Cas smiled weakly at him. "I wish I could still heal you at will." 

Dean huffed a soft laugh. "Yeah, that was kinda useful. But, I like that you can't just flit away anymore. It's nice to have you just here with me." 

The smile he received in return for his words was dazzling. "I don't understand how you can make me so happy even when I'm scared about losing you."

He laughed again and pulled Cas half on top of him. "Yeah, love's confusing like that."

"Dean," Cas was serious again. "I want you to promise me-"

"Oh no," Dean cut him off. "None of that. We don't get to make promises about the future in this life."

Cas looked down briefly before his eyes flicked back up to Dean's. "I find that I am afraid to die, now. It's a new sensation."

Dean grinned lopsidedly. "Thank God for that; that's what's going to keep you alive."

Cas nodded solemnly like Dean had said something profound. He faltered before he said, "Despite that, I would die to protect you." 

Dean's stomach flipped uncomfortably. "Don't," he didn't expect his voice to sound rugged and tight. "Don't say things like that; it's not what I want." 

He kissed him hard so Cas couldn't argue. 

**Now**

Dean looked up at them both. Sam's eyes were wide and scared. "Dean, no, don't do this." He was struggling against the chains fruitlessly. 

He looked up and met Cas' eyes. Cas smiled at him and gave him a slight nod. The look of understanding on his face was almost unbearable. 

Dean knew what he'd say. What his answer would always be, because it was his job. His primary purpose in life. It wasn't something he even really had a choice in. 

"Sam." His voice sounded far away. 

"Dean, no! Please God damn it." Sam sounded desperate but Dean didn't look at him. 

He was staring at Cas. Cas who sagged in what Dean thought might actually be relief. He swallowed against the lump in his throat. He wanted to say that he was sorry. So sorry that he'd led them here. That he would love him for the rest of what was undoubtedly going to be his very short life. But the words were stuck in his throat. He couldn't breathe let alone speak. Sam was struggling in his restraints. But Cas was completely still. 

"Dean, I-" he began, but the vampire was there, his hand over his mouth. 

"No, none of that. No goodbyes for you." He looked at Dean before plunging his knife into Cas' chest.

**TBC**


End file.
